It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
