What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
