Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
