If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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