it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
