i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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