I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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