I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize