Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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