i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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