just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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