I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
