I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
