We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize