something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
