So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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