mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The air taste purple.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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