He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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