Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
