you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
