That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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