She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
