You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
