hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
