so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
