The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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