I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
