btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
