You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize