u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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