i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
