You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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