Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Randomize
