I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
