I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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