I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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