Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
