we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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