The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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