My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
