hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
