I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
