i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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