how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
