Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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