first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
