there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
