I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize