i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
