why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
