i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
