Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
