I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
