he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
