I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Barsexuality is the new black.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
