I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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