last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
