I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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