I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
