I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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