I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
