Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
